Monthly Archives: February 2004

A Queer Opportunity Knocks

It’s Leap Year! That means I get to make an impossible Web-log entry! This entry will not exist to-morrow, and will not be seen for another four years! Isn’t that WACKY?! I am documenting events from the day that does not exist…

I stared a new short story to-day, as a way to “get my feet wet” writing again. It’s taken me a while to get over losing so many stories in that crash, but I’m finally ready to do it. It’s not the best idea I have working right now, but it’s the easiest to do, so it makes a good stress-free return to the craft. If time permits, it’ll be done before the week’s out…. wait a minute… I started writing it on the 29th of February… so maybe it won’t exist to-morrow! *argh!*

Anyroad, not much else is goin’ on. I’m trying to get caught up with school work (as usual). This week promises to be a very busy one indeed. Hope yours is splendid.

“To pretend, I actually do the thing: I have therefore only pretended to pretend.” -Jacques Derrida

No Expectations

School news: I just took my first maths test yesterday, and got 11 right out of 12 (which is an A-, I reckon). Not too shabby, for me!

I also got back the “rough draft” of my literary criticism piece on “Gimpel the Fool” by Isaac Singer; not only did the prof. say that it was already an A paper and well beyond the requirements of the class, but she’d like me to expand upon it (i.e., go beyond the contraints of her class assignment) and then submit it for publication! Wild. I was kinda hoping for some serious criticism of my work… areas in which I can improve… that sort. I’m not quite sure how to take that yet, especially since I spent about an hour on it. Like many of the responses I’ve been getting at Chapman, this one’s really thrown me. I’m just not used to this sort of compliment, and it’s kinda, well, disturbing on some fundamental levels.

Finally, I was asked to help “interview” a potential addition to the history department (and a potential department head, no less!)- they wanted student’s perspectives, and one of my profs. asked me and Mindy to attend. An interesting day, to say the least. I love Chapman; always a surprise around every corner.

Now for the non-surprising news: I finished three more volumes in my sixties set. Yeah, I know, I’m obsessed or something. It’s just a great way to unwind and put myself to sleep lately, and it’s keeping me out of trouble. The list has been updated with information on the new discs, so check ’em out. I did something kinda clever on the most recent one, I think (but I’m not gonna tell ya what!).

I’m tired, and so off to sleep. Why aren’t YOU asleep, Universe?

“Men create gods after their own image, not only with regard to their form but with regard to their mode of life.” -Aristotle

Time Has Told Me…

Where, oh were, to begin to-day…?

Bad news first: an old business associate ⁄ friend has died, so there’s an upcoming memorial dinner to attend. That’s always fun. *cough*

Then there’s my maths test to-morrow… the first I’ve taken in, oh, well over a decade! I think I understand the material well enough, and hope I do alright; it’ll be the easiest one this semester, so I need the good grade! *crossed*fingers*

Since I’m still having a hard time sleeping, I’ve completed a couple more discs, one on the 22nd and one on the 24th. The updated list is here, of course. I should probably link it from my music page, but I want to re-write that one entirely (I hate it!) so it’ll be a while before I bother making any changes to it. Whatever.

I was recently asked a question about the will to live, and in thinking of a response, was able to clarify a few ideas of mine. I think I’ll write up a nice little essay for morthaur based in small part upon the reply I sent, but with the corrections I didn’t catch in my hurry to draft something for her. For a variety of reasons, I’ve done a lot of thinking about suicide over the course of my life (other folks, not me, okay?!); I think it’s about time I put down something concrete on the subject.

That’s about it- you can go away now.

“An ideology is a complex of ideas or notions which represents itself to the thinker as an absolute truth for the interpretation of the world and his situation within it; it leads the thinker to accomplish an act of self-deception for the purpose of justification, obfuscation and evasion in some sense or other to his advantage.” -Karl Jaspers

addendum: …Random Acts Of Kindness

I forgot to mention something: to-day I experienced random acts of unexpected kindness from five different people! Some of them were quite touching, and all were deeply appreciated. Now, with the rain falling heavily outside my window, I can officially conclude that to-day has been a beautiful day. I am in a fabulous mood. I want to give the world a hug. Do me a small favour: turn to the person next to you, give them a big kiss for me, and spread some more love around.

Organ Grinder

I have nothing interesting to say. Does that make me a boring person? Hmmmm.

I’m also pretty far behind in my school work, and struggling to keep up with it given my vexing health difficulties and the drugs that are screwing my brain up; I’m having a hard time concentrating for more than a few hours each day. All I can do reliably are brain-dead-easy things like this. Anything that requires using my critical intellect is frequently beyond me of late, which is endlessly frustrating.

In a few minutes, I’ll be leaving to get some more school work- I need to get as much done as I can whilst I’m feeling not-so-bad. Buh-bye.

“Perhaps America will one day go fascist democratically, by popular vote.” -William L. Shirer

Peace In The Neighbourhood

Hey there! Guess what? I just finished two more CDs! *grin* That takes me up to 16 in my sixties set. NOW it’s time for a break! *sheesh*

Other than that, I’ve spent the day just enjoying the rain and absorbing its beauty. I also did some school reading (which I will continue directly) and had coffee with Mindy in the afternoon (always a pleasure, that).

I have been dreaming up clever ways to murder Mel Gibson. Any suggestions? It has to be particularly gruesome and slow, so be creative. In the meantime, I have resolved never to see one of his pictures again. Anyone that stupid and arrogant does not deserve a dime from me. “Truth!” Pfagh! No such thing.

Particularly when you show such reckless willingness to abandon the historical record (like, oh, Pontius Pilate being a murderous tyrant so extreme that even as brutal a system as the Roman empire removed him from his post for excessive brutality…). Then there’s the fact that his Church rejects Vatican II which, amongst other reforms, clears we Jews of deicide. Oh, and his father is a Holocaust denier. Yeah. Wow. Uh, huh.

“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.” -Carl Jung

I’m So Wicked… Are You Wicked? I Know You Are…

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Universal Mind. I am your host, no-one. To-day we will be talking about, nothing in particular, which means, of course, absolutely everything.

The rain has been truly and blessedly lovely, and I have been possessing it utterly and completely. I have danced beneath its transcendent radiance, and I have felt the tiny drops of heaven spreading love and contentment through-out my battered psyche.

I have just completed two more volumes in my retro-radio collection, even though I had decided to stop for a little while. *shrug* It’s a lot of fun. Sue me. I’ll update the track listing so that you can see what’s on it, and of course, those of you on my starshine-and-happiness list will receive complimentary copies, as always.

Hmmm, I guess I don’t have anything more to say, which means I want to say everything, and simply lack the words. I’d like to take this opportunity to thank you all for flying American Airlines, and have a pleasant day.

“Christianity will go. It will vanish and shrink. I needn’t argue about that; I’m right, and I will be proved right…. Jesus was all right, but his disciples were thick and ordinary. It’s them twisting it that ruins it for me.” -John Lennon

Es Regnet!!!

It’s raining! Isn’t that FABULOUS?! I am in such a better mood. Probably because, between the cloud cover this morning and the rain this afternoon, this has been a day completely devoid of health issues for me! I really should not be living in So.Cal. Anyroad, I’m in just an ecstatic, happy, joyful mood. Now I need to find someone to go and dance with me in the rain…

This morning, I read a piece of poetry in public, for the first time in a LONG time. For my literature course, I volunteered to read a dramatic monologue from Browning called “My Last Duchess,” and not only did I not break out whilst doing it, I think I did a damned fine job of it! *grin* Oh, more modesty, please! Still, public speaking has never been my strong point, and I thought I did well, so I’m pleased. There. I’ll shut up now.

Yeah, yeah, I know I’ve been a shit about keeping this log updated, but I’ll get better again. I’ve just been pretty darned distracted lately. Whatever. No excuses.

“It is the mission of the twentieth century to elucidate the irrational.” -Maurice Merleau-Ponty


Yep, still dreaming, this time for connexion.


I stand upon the threshold of a
with one foot over that line and
in a fantasy and the other foot
in a world that cannot understand
nor can I see it in any meaningful

Melancholia And Assorted Foolishness

Okay, enough fscking around… I need to get back to keeping this blasted thing up to date. I’ve allowed myself to get so distracted lately, I’ve let rather a lot of things slide (hmmm, such as homework).

Mayhap I should make an attempt at explaining why? Well, part of it is too complicated to lay out here, and there’s a substantial amount of context and background I’d need to explain, which for various reasons I shan’t even attempt.

Let’s start with the physical- I believe I’ve already mentioned that my allergies made a nice comeback recently. Whilst I’m (hopefully?!) getting that back under control with a combination of tranquilisers and obstinance, it’s pretty scary stuff. How can you even explain such a weird problem to someone, anyroad? Then I go and get myself all metaphysical and melancholic and melodramatic about it all, which brings up an issue that I wrestle with once every few months or so. That issue is, of course, that one I can’t go into here, because it would take too long to explain. I do need to find someone to rap with about it soon, though. *shrug* Ah, well.

Incidentally, just as I finished sayin’ things were gettin’ getter, I had a bad attack. Shows just what shape my karma’s in, eh? Bad joss. Whatever. I amended the above statement to say “hopefully” and we’ll just go with that, shall we?

School is going well enough, I suppose, for my having fallen just a little bit behind. I’ll get caught up soon enough. Well, so long as I don’t let this frustration get to me too much, I will. I keep wasting time because I can’t concentrate on my school work.

Regarding that sixties mixtape set, I have twelve volumes done, and it’ll probably hit 24 or so at this rate! I’m going to have to take a break from it, though. Besides which, I’d like some opinions of the mixes- I’m curious to see whether what appeals to me will appeal to anyone else! *grin* I’ve just formatted a track list, but the songs themselves do not tell the full story- I’m getting better (I think) at odd edits and transitions, and that’s the biggest selling point for me, both as a listener and (especially) in undertaking the project.

“A man should not strive to eliminate his complexes but to get into accord with them: they are legitimately what directs his conduct in the world.” -Sigmund Freud

‘I Am A Fool’

Dreaming, dreaming, blah blah blah.

‘I Am A Fool’

I am a fool
                so stupidly happy
      dreamingly happy
            fantastically happy
I am a fool
                dreaming a life
      that cannot be
            that will not be
   ever        anything
  but a dream
                          but happy?
In concrete fantasy waking hours I
         wait for my dream
                   to join me here
         and breathe
                   and live
      and so
I am a fool
                so stupidly happy
      dreaming my life
            inventing my dream
    a dream so real I forget
               to live
      a dream so sweet I forget
                 I dream