Good evening, my loyal droogs! How are thee this fine and frolicsome evening? Me, I have been having a most entertaining and enlightening time of it, yes indeed; a good day all ’round.
First of all, I had a splendid lunch with Doc. E. and friend-Julie wherein we discussed our respective projects. That’s always fun. We shall continue the conversation next week — hopefully by then I’ll have gotten closer to a final topic choice! So hard!
Then, I got electrocuted at Kaiser, which was a most interesting experience — highly recommended. My hand tingled for the next two hours. Weird. It was all very nifty and scientific — electrodes on me flesh and a little taser in his hand… *zap* *zap* ‘jerk’ goes the Liam! Fun. *grin*
I have just added yet another essay to the collection; this one my first attempt at fiction criticism. Be honest — does it suck eggs? Balls, maybe? *shrug* I got better by the second one, and no question. Still, ‘t’was a fun paper to write and very quick.
To-morrow, I have no more lofty ambition than to get Melvin an oil change (that’s me Toyota, for those of you not “in the know”), and maybe do some reading. Isn’t my life just the very model of rock star excess?! All those wild parties and drugs and cheap women and fast cars… Or maybe it’s just books. Yeah, that’s more like it. I read books. Don’t you wish you were me? I know I do. *grin*
Hey, Haddie! What happened to your Web-log, foo? You’re even more boring than I am — looks like nothing’s happened to you in more than a month. Has your job been out-sourced to Elbonia yet? Are you teaching the natives COBOL? Have they offered you their patented shrunken-head recipe or taught you how to spear fish with swizzle-sticks? Be sure to update your log whenever you return to Planet Earth.
Ooo, speaking of Earth… Julie has figured out what’s wrong with me! Isn’t that great? Isn’t that what friends are for (to highlight our deficiencies and offer clever rationales for them)?! Okay, it goes something like this:
I am not Liam. Liam is in stasis in a subterranean chamber on Titan (you know, that methane-atmosphere Saturnian satellite that looks so purty in yer telescope). His body is ageing but his mind is a blank. Meanwhile, I have replaced him. I am, therefore, from Titan.
However, I have no actual memory of this fact, as I am on a secret mission to gather data on Earth societies and my programme managers would like an unbiased report. So long as I think I am an Earthling, I will be able to gather data unconsciously and naturally through my experiences, which will then be off-loaded into a computer matrix back home when I am recovered at some later date (and a slightly-confused Liam is returned).
My mysterious physical ailments stem from minor errors in the morphing process that transformed my methane-breathing silicon-based body into this carbon-based human replica. The morphing machine is very advanced, but of course, all computers suck, and I got stuck with a few anomalies during the transformation. Since my physiology is not actually that of an Earthling, and is only disguised as such, the doctors have been unable to locate a source for the strange reactions and sensations — they are originating in organs that have no Earth analogues and cannot be seen through my disguise.
This theory also neatly explains my continuing perplexity regarding typical human social customs and practices. One would expect that a native-born Earthling would not question such obviously-logical, practical, and useful inventions and innovations as:
ghettos and homeless people,
evangelists and missionaries,
automated telephone systems,
Hormel’s tasty Spam,
and George W. Bush.
And yet, I remain thoroughly confused by these any many other examples of human engineering and creative talents. Clearly, there are gaps in the knowledge that was available on my planet for advance programming of bio-agents. I am sure that someone far more intelligent than I will be able to take the information that I have gathered and make some sense of the above list.
I’m sure by now you’re all wondering… “hey, if you can’t remember any of this, how does Julie know that you’re an alien, anyway?” Well, that should be obvious enough, even for the human intellect. You see, Julie’s an alien, too. Of course, she has a different mission and a different planet of origin, which means that she was allowed to retain her memories. Surely you’re familiar with the old saying, “it takes one to know one”?
Julie saw through my disguise immediately, but waited until to-day to find a polite way to broach the subject. I mean, how do you tell a guy, “Umm, Liam, actually I don’t think that you’re even human….” Now, most folks would get kind of upset or be traumatised by the revelation (that, or they’d think you were insane for mentioning it in the first place…). Since I am not human, my response was typically Liam-ish: a raised eyebrow and a muttered “fascinating…”. Then I laughed. And updated my Web-log. *grin*
Okay, I’m tired. You may leave now.
“The ideal of beauty is simplicity and tranquility.” -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe